When Are You Free?
A little while ago I had a guy reach out to me wondering why he wasn’t successful landing a date from a girl he had been speaking to on Tinder. I looked over the conversation and everything looked great. Everything, besides a few words that in my opinion, completely screwed things up for him.
He opened the conversation right, there was great flowing conversation, he planted the seed and his match said she was interested in hanging out. And then he asked: “When are you free?” Radio silence… His match disappeared and the amazing conversation completed fizzled out in one fell swoop. All because of those four words…
Asking “when are you free?” is less than ideal for a number of reasons. This post will look at exactly why it’s actually shooting down your chances, but will also show you a much better way to ask a girl out, whether that’s from Tinder, Bumble, via text message or even in person.
Why Asking ‘When Are You Free?’ Won’t Lead To A Date
When it comes to talking about attractive qualities in the opposite gender, one that seems to often pop up is: “someone who knows what they want.” Decisiveness is attractive. This is because being decisive is typically indicative of a high performing and successful person.
So when it comes to setting up a date, taking the reins and being someone who suggests the day to meet and even the activity shows healthy level of control, especially compared to leaving the ball in the court of the other person.
Your potential date will more often than not be attracted to the fact that you’ve taken control and made the decision that not only you want to take them out, but you know when and where as well.
There is something attractive about the confidence that comes with it. On the flip side, being overly “mindful” of getting the right time to meet by asking “when are you free” can come off as too uncertain and hesitant.
On one of my all time favorite TV shows, The Office (US), the manager of the small office, Michael Scott, is desperate to hang out with and become close friends with certain members of staff.
In one episode he even goes as far as planning a mandatory work event after the normal work hours, only to cancel it at the end of the day, knowing that one of his staff members won’t have any excuses and then will have to hang out with him. Michael Scott is way too available. Don’t be Michael Scott.
Obviously that’s an extreme example, especially comparing to simply asking when she is free. But the concepts remain similar. Being too available isn’t exactly an attractive quality. Yet, having your own full, rich life certainly is.
Asking a woman when she is free implies that you are mostly always free. Your time is precious. Just because you really like her and are worried she might not be available on a time you suggest, it doesn’t mean that you should open your calendar wide open for her.
Showing that you have your own things going on and won’t drop everything at a moments notice is healthy. And even though I’m sure there are plenty of women out there that wouldn’t feel that pressure from asking them, most of the time those same women would be even more attracted to you having your own boundaries. So not asking her when she is free is definitely best practice.
What Is The Right Way To Ask Her Out?
The first step is ‘Planting The Seed’. This requires too much detail for this post, but I covered it completely in this post. If you haven’t read it yet, I highly suggest you do after this.
If you haven’t picked up on it by now, the right way to ask her out is to pick the day you want to meet her and perhaps even where you want to meet or what you want to do. The difference here is you are picking when to meet, rather than leaving it up in the air. The other big difference is the slight change in language. Rather than asking, you are the one with the control who is telling what you want.
“So I want to take you out next week sometime. Thursday night we should go get dinner.”
“So I really want to try this new sushi place near me. We should go there Tuesday night.”
Or it could be as simple as:
“We should go get drinks Friday night.”
All of the above scream that you are the type of guy who knows exactly what you want and goes after it. A very attractive quality.
What If They Are Not Free When You Suggest?
I understand that the main reason guys will ask when someone is free is to ensure that they don’t ask to meet on the wrong day and essentially mess up their chances to meet. Reality couldn’t be further away from this.
You will always have a better shot of landing a date on the right day going about it the way detailed in this post. I know that sounds counter intuitive.
I mean, if you ask when they are free, surely you will be able to see them as soon as possible on the very best day for them, right? Wrong. You will have a much higher chance of your potential date making excuses, ghosting you or the conversation just fizzling out when compared to you taking more control.
Any time I have seen this used the right way and yet the girl is busy, the response will usually be along the lines of “That sounds great but I actually can’t on Thursday! I am free Friday though?”
If she really wants to see you, she will tell you when she is next free. So not only have you come across as decisive, and not too available, but now you know exactly when she is free!
What To Do When She Doesn’t Say When She Is Free
If she doesn’t reply with an alternative time, it doesn’t always mean she is not interested. She could genuinely be quite busy and simply doesn’t know when she is actually free.
In situations like this, I believe it’s always best to respond with something quite ambiguous and laid back, rather than pushing to set something in stone.
For example, if she say “Oh I can’t on that day unfortunately! This week is so full on for me.” I would respond with something along the lines of: “That’s totally fine! Maybe early next week one night we can catch up.” This takes the pressure off if she is still unsure whether she wants to meet you, but still shows what you want.
That wraps it up for the best alternative to asking when she is free. If you want a larger overview of how to ask a girl out on Tinder, check out this article which is a step by step roadmap to asking a girl out on Tinder.