It’s not always easy to get the conversation flowing on the apps, despite the fact that you just matched and therefore must have some interest in each other.
Conversation starters are a classic Tinder problem, and questions that seem to come up over and over again are ‘Why are you on Tinder?’, ‘What are you looking for on Tinder?’, ‘What brings you to Tinder?’, etc etc.
I get it, it’s pretty tempting to ask. You want to check that your match is on the same page as you, and you want to know whether there’s some huge shocking or off-putting event in someone’s life that has driven them to the apps.
But unless they have something significant to say like ‘just finalized my 5th divorce’, it can be a pretty boring and slightly invasive question.
There are a million reasons why someone might be on Tinder, but more often than not there’s no definitive reason they are! Why are you on Tinder?
These days the majority of people are using dating apps, because, well…that’s just how it’s done? It’s a pretty standard way to kickstart your dating life and meet people.
The question ‘why are you on Tinder?’ is a bit personal for the beginning of your potentially blossoming relationship, as it easily could relate to things a person wouldn’t want to open up about off the bat.
It can be read as ‘Why are you single?’ or ‘What’s wrong with you?’ There are better and more gentle ways to find out.
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Is It OK To Ask What Someone Is Looking For On Tinder?
It’s totally natural to want to know what someone is looking for on Tinder, but is it ok to straight-up ask? Yes and no.
If you’re looking for something super specific and really don’t want to waste your time on anything else, I can see why you might, but to be totally honest I think there are better ways to find out, or better yet, just try to form a connection and be open about where it might take you!
At the very least save the question for when you have felt some initial connection or spark, since in my experience ‘what are you looking for?’ can be a little off-putting or uninspired early in a conversation.
It puts people on the spot a bit since it can feel like there’s a right and wrong answer, and no one likes being tested!
First, find out about them and see if you have anything in common, and get a little bit of a rapport going.
That way when you start asking more about what they might be looking for it will seem as though you’re interested in them as a person, rather than just anyone who is looking for the same thing as you.
You could both be looking for the exact same thing but if the chemistry is off it’s irrelevant.
If it’s really important to you that you guys are on the same wavelength, for example, if you’re really only interested in hookups and nothing else, or on the flip side, a serious relationship and nothing else, it’s good to put some feelers out before you meet in person.
How Do You Ask Someone What They Want On Tinder?
The best way to match with people looking for the same thing as you is to be upfront about what you want. A good way to avoid awkwardly bringing it up in conversation is to have it in your bio, that way they know what you want and it’s safe to assume they’re cool with that since they’ve matched with you.
No one wants to feel like they’re being interviewed, so try to keep in casual sounding rather than a straight-up ‘What are you looking for?’.
Similarly, you want to make sure you don’t come across as judgemental, so you’ll want to be careful with your wording.
Here’s an example:
Would you say you’re trying to keep your love life pretty casual right now, or are you open to something serious?
Or the reverse:
Would you say you’re looking for something serious right now, or are you up for casual relationships too?
These questions are investigative but not judgy and don’t make your match feel they have to try and explain themselves. There’s also when to ask what someone is looking for in a relationship.
As I said before, I think these questions are best saved after you’ve already felt a bit of a connection and are thinking of taking it offline.
Read my article on how to answer what you are looking for on a dating site, for more of the ins and outs of the ‘What are you looking for?’ question.
In case you didn’t pick up on it, I don’t think asking someone why they’re on Tinder is a particularly great question for a new match, and you’ll overall get better results if you try and find some common ground and take it from there.
The truth is that the majority of people on Tinder are in the same boat, they might lean towards wanting something in particular but are pretty open to a variety of things from casual to serious.
You might match with someone who is mostly into casual dating, but you could be the one to change that! So it would suck to rule them out before you’ve had a chance to see how you get on.